Yet Another Law Blog

MPREeeeeew

2007-03-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

I just got out of the MPRE. It was pretty terrible. For 3 years of law school I've been taught to think in shades of grey. Now this test wants me (and my #2 pencil) to go black and white in perhaps the greyest area of them all- legal ethics! Really, if you want me to pick just one answer, don't give me two options that are equally defensible and then make me guess what you were thinking.
Fuck it, I'm goin on spring break

Too hot for TV

2007-03-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

Since when have daytime TV judge shows turned into Jerry Springer? I am generally a huge fan of the genre- watching ghetto people argue about small debts to friends is vacuously comforting somehow. But recently I have noticed a disturbing trend- the court shows are copying talk shows. Maury Povich should sue- his bit is getting jacked. In the past couple of weeks I've seen multiple pregnancy test shows, a bootcamp show, and some hidden camera shows. Judge Hatchett is the worst- I'm watching it right now as motivation to write this post. All she does is DNA tests it seems. Let's try to keep some level of dignity in the courtroom, can't we please?

PS. Hatchett just told us a friend recently told her what "friends with benefits" was, and how she was shocked.
PPS. She just now emphasized that she doesn't support FWB situations, and she doesn't want any emails about it. This is ridiculous.

A brief aside

2007-02-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

So if today is all of the presidents' birthdays, can only people born on this day become president, or does each president officially change his birthday?

Perplexing questions aside, I thought I'd take a minute to point out that 25 out of our 43 presidents have been lawyers (George Bush is not one of them). Why do you think this is? Apart from historical factors such as the traditionally higher level of education obtained by lawyers, and sociological factors like the prestige that the profession affords, there is something more at play. As much as we might discount the idea of law school teaching us to "think like a lawyer", the ability to analyze a problem from multiple angles and understand and balance the competing considerations at play is CRUCIAL for the presidency, or any leadership position at all. Politics has sunk (further) into one sided absolutism, blinders on, full speed ahead. The world is not black and white, and so long as we allow those who lead us it to paint it that way, instead of demanding nuanced debate over complicated issues, we are derelict in our duty both as lawyers and as citizens. We have the tools to question, analyze, and evaluate, let's use them, and make sure those that are making decisions that affect all of us do so too.

I would be a tree, so that I could fall on you and kill you

2007-02-16T13:21:00.000-05:00

Check out this great Craigslist post about questions that get asked during law firm interviews. Here's my favorite:

Why did you go to law school?

What I said: I went to law school because I want to be able to make a difference. Legal work allows me to be competitive and to work for justice, both of which are important things in my life.

What I thought: That's a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I'd have to say the answer is, stupidity.

I am never wrong

2007-02-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Law school has taught me that there is no such thing as wrong. There is always an argument you can make. Unfortunately, this belief I can always be right has spilled over into the rest of my life, much to the dismay of friends and family. It was really hammered home for me this afternoon.

Tourist: Excuse me, do you know where the university bookstore is?
Me: No, sorry I don't (this is true, I still have not bought books this year)
Tourist: It's on [some street I've never heard of]
Me: Of course! Just go a couple blocks down and take a left.

I am a bad person.

Mooninites unite

2007-02-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

That's it, I'm moving to Canada.

The ridiculousness of this country has gone too far. I just can't take it anymore. Here's the quick breakdown. There was a huge bomb scare in Boston because of some Aqua Teen Hunger Force ads that were put up around the city. They were basically lite brite s. The city of Boston, the most ugly, overeducated bunch of morons you've ever seen, creates a huge panic and shuts down half the city. I have a nice chuckle about how dumb they are. Next thing you hear is that city officials are enraged at the waste of resources, and are holding people responsible. "That makes sense" I think to myself, "the people that called in these threats should be held responsible. They are idiots." I was wrong. They are holding the marketers responsible! Take a look below, and tell me what you think. The mere fact that I have to write this post makes me want to puke.
Anyone have a warm jacket and hockey skates they could lend me?

"It had a very sinister appearance," Coakley (Mass. Attorney General) told reporters. "It had a battery behind it, and wires." ooooohhhhhh, batteries and wires, scary!

Happy birthday to me!

2007-01-31T13:21:00.000-05:00

Remember that part in Old School where Will Ferrel's separated wife tells him he forgot his birthday? And you just feel so sorry for the poor guy? Well, call me Frank the Tank, cause I forgot my blog's 1 year anniversary last week. So, as a belated celebration, I'll be drunk for the rest of the day. For your enjoyment, loyal reader, as you cannot be a part of the whirlwind of women, debauchery, and police chases, here are some of the better posts from the past year.

The least worst of YALB:

1 year ago today! Homecoming
Feb 2: Top 5 Things I wish I'd known before coming to law school
Feb 8: Sexual Injection
March 5: You know you love law and order too much when...
April 7: Supreme Stars part 1
April 9: Supreme Stars part 2
June 22: Honesty is not the best...
Aug 10: Sacrifice Fly
Sep 20: Summer Associate Success: the basics
Nov 27: Real advice for 1Ls
Dec 31: Law student new years resolutions

Stop giving me more money!

2007-01-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, the law firm raises are starting to get a little crazy. Simpson Thatcher announced yesterday it's boosting the first year salary to 160k. Other firms are expected to follow suit.
So I should be happy right? Wrong! You know that partners aren't going to give up any of that sweet equity cash, so they're going to have increase revenue somewhere. And for some reason I have a feeling that when it comes down to increasing rates for clients, or working those first year slaves an extra few hours a week, it's not going to be a difficult choice. I have another feeling that bonuses might not be as big next year anyway, but maybe that's just the rational me.
I'm already going to be sacrificing most of my few remaining healthy years, don't take away even more! I really don't care about an extra (at most) 15k at this point, I'm already going to be vastly overpaid, give me a couple evenings with friends for God's sake.

Ok, phew, breathe. I'm complaining about a raise. I'm done. Thanks for listening. I hate me too.

To attend or not to attend

2007-01-16T13:19:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to plan out my semester, and I could use some input. Now that we're entering the second week of classes, and I've attended one class each so I could get on the seating chart, I'm trying to decide if sporadic attendance or none at all is preferable. What do you think?

Sporadic attendance (1 in 4 classes)
-guards against the possibility that professor will notice you're never there
-but then also might do the opposite, because professor might notice you, then notice when you're gone most of the time
-also opens up to the risk of getting called on, in which case you have to admit you haven't read, and now you kinda have to go for a while because you'll be in the professor's mind

No attendance
-could get screwed and dropped from the class. I would no longer graduate, and would sacrifice my entire future.
-but don't have to go to class

Thoughts?

Law student new years resolutions

2006-12-31T16:35:00.000-05:00

To be adopted by all, no exceptions, alterations, extensions, or objections allowed.

I will remember that my fellow law students are human beings and treat them as such.
I will not base my self-worth on my school's US News ranking or my firm's Vault ranking.
I will recognize that the law is powerful and that I can aid those who are powerless, and will do so.
I will make as much money as I can while doing something I enjoy.
I will share outlines and notes freely and without prejudice.
I will act ethically at all times.
I will cultivate at least one interest or hobby outside of law school.
I will party, travel, and relax as hard as I can and as often as I can, as this may be my last real chance to do so.
I will not forget the big picture.
I will remind myself daily that as bad as this might be, I am privileged to be here.

An itch I don't want to scratch

2006-12-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

I'm in this weird place where I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm done exams. It feels weird doing nothing, although this is what I did for the first 3 months of school, so I should be used to it. It's actually kind of scary. If I lose my skill as a slacker, what do I have left!?

Sweet sweet freedom

2006-12-19T16:46:00.000-05:00

The last exam is done! I love this feeling. It's like combining that post-orgasm sense of release with that post-indecent-exposure acquittal sense of relief I felt a few years back. I'm drained, sweaty, grateful. Giddy yet flaccid. A little surprised that it happened, and that it was over so quickly after all that buildup.
Bliss.

Another couple of exam tips for 1Ls

2006-12-09T01:26:00.000-05:00

These came to mind as I tried to force a semester's worth of learning into my skull in the past 3 days.

Create a checklist of all the concepts you went over in class. When you have an issue spotting question, go through the list and see if anything applies. Professors want you to throw it all out there.
If you have a timed take-home exam, don't read the question, figure it's not too hard, and then watch Law and Order for 2 hours. Trust me.
If you really bomb, write an apology at the end. Everyone likes polite people.*

*I have friends that have actually done this. And it worked.

Updating the blogroll

2006-12-03T14:05:00.000-05:00

I've been kind of absent from the law blog world lately, so if you have any good recommendations, or if you want me to add you to my links, drop me a comment or an email. Blog on!

Even further proof that law school is like high school

2006-11-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

Although this is something that I think we did in Junior High. Yikes.
http://www.gawker.com/news/nyu/nyu-law-students-hot-or-not-217702.php

Real advice for 1Ls

2006-11-27T20:47:00.000-05:00

Ah man, do I feel sorry for all you 1Ls. This is about the time where it's really kicking in. You start to realize what you've gotten yourself into just as the crushing weight of finals starts to descend. All you want to know is how to make it through exams, and all you get is lame advice like "just do what you did in undergrad, it got you here didn't it?" Well your boy M is here to give you the real lowdown. Just follow these simple steps.

Chill out, this isn't the end of the world.
Ok I lied, yes it is. If you're not stressed out something's wrong. These grades determine your future. You want to do all this for nothing?!
Talk to your professors. I know they're scary, but often they have widely differing views of what they want on the exam.

Also, they will often say that they don't want you to just repeat what they've taught you. This is a lie. If your professor is a raving Marxist, so are you. Trust me, they've been convincing themselves they're right for years, you're not going to change their minds. Smarter people have tried. You are a parrot.

Find a study partner. It should preferably be someone who is slightly smarter than you, and if you read this blog it shouldn't be easy. I promise, the best way to study is to go through the material with someone else, and ask a lot of questions. Your smart friend will get a better understanding by having to explain it all to you, and you can learn it all for the first time. Win - win.
Buy commercial study guides. I prefer Emanuel's "Crunchtime", as it has only the very basic info, set out simply and clearly. Crap like "tort stories" and other books that give you background on cases and supposedly a "deeper understanding" of the cases are a waste of money.
Make an outline. If it's over 50 pages it's too long, if it's under 20 it's too short. Modifying the one you got from your friend who took the course last year is FINE, no matter what anyone tells you. Most important is to have the information easily accessible.
Learn the counter-arguments. The best way to analyze a fact pattern is to first make the strongest case you can for one side, then look at the other's side's counterarguments (making them as strong as you can), then go to your answers to the counterarguments, and so on. Lawyers can argue both sides.

if your first year exams aren't essay based, and consist only of multiple choice questions, get out now, you're not getting a job.

Do practice exams. Do at least one of them in a timed environment- you'll be surprised how the time flies. Compare your answers with others, and argue about the differences in your answers.
When you get to the exam don't just start writing. Do an answer outline first, and make it thorough. If you rush into it blindly you're going to realize half way through that you're way off base, and the panic will set in. Set aside at least 15% of the time for each question for outlining, preferably more.
Finally, stop wasting your time reading law blogs, and don't take advice from people who write them.

Sometimes numbers don't lie

2006-11-12T15:36:00.000-05:00

So I've done some quick calculations to give you a sense of what 3L year is like. I have 12 hours of class a week. "They" say you should prepare 3 hours for every one hour of class time, but in the interest of reality, let's leave it at 1.5 per. So I should have 30 hours of work a week (12 hours + 12*1.5). We're ten weeks into the semester, so I should be at 300 hours (30*10). Let's see where I really am.

Class 1: 3 hours attended, 0 hours preparation
Class 2: 6 hours attended, 2 hours preparation
Class 3: 22 hours attended, 3 hours preparation
Class 4: 22 hours attended, 10 hours preparation

Total: 68 hours = 22.7% efficiency.

That's not that bad, is it? Although I guess it does when you break it down to 6.8 hours a week. This next month is gonna be hell.

Burger King University doesn't teach this

2006-11-08T15:58:00.000-05:00

Man, why can't stuff like this happen to me? Two cops in New Mexico are suing Burger King after finding pot sprinkled in their burgers. I'm sure I've had all types of bodily fluids and animal droppings in my delicious whoppers (with cheese of course), but nothing that actually made the burger taste better. It's like the perfect storm- as you get the munchies, you're already eating! Really, this is a stupid lawsuit, why not just leave it at charging the kids with a criminal offense (you're cops for crying out loud!), but my favorite part of the whole thing has to be the cops' lawyer's quote, "It gives a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper'". Awesome.

Where I've been

2006-11-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

In bed. Watching movies (The Departed is awesome, and Stick It is way underrated). Drinking daily. Taking long weekend trips. Exploring myself.

Where I haven't been: lawschool. I still have 2 books I haven't opened, and I haven' t been to one class in over a month. This is why the blog has been dead. It's a lawschool blog, and I've completely checked out. However, the fear of failure is starting to kick in, I have papers to write and stacks of reading to do, so I'm gonna have to reinsert myself into the community (with much regret), meaning I'm gonna have more procrastination time to fill. So in the immortal words of Frank Costanza, "I'm back baby!"

ps. thanks to sadielady for making me feel like someone cares :) check out her blog, it's great, and apparently she also writes some kind of sex blog, which i'm sure is very dirty.

Sit down, and shut the fuck up

2006-11-06T14:55:00.000-05:00

Seriously, what is up with people who don't understand the lawschool social contract? Not to get all Thomas Hobbes on your asses, but there are certain rules that help us navigate this quagmire. One of them is that you DON'T ASK QUESTIONS IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES OF CLASS. I mean seriously, just shut the fuck up, you stupid gunner. I have naps to take, beers to drink, TV to watch. When I grace the class with a rare appearance, I don't need my time extended by some moron prodding the prof into some extended discussion. Look, gunners, I'm not one to hate on you guys generally, you serve your place well in the lawschool circle of life, we generally don't beat on you only because FOR EVERY MINUTE THAT YOU'RE TALKING, THAT'S ONE LESS MINUTE I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. THIS DOES NOT APPLY AT THE END OF CLASS. You're disturbing the delicate balance of our ecosystem, and this just won't hold.

Summer associate success- the basics

2006-09-20T18:45:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of passing along some of the wisdom that I, and others, have gleaned over our summer associateships, here's a brief list of what you can and can't do, when looking for an offer at Biglaw.

Things you can do and still get an offer

Make many, many sexually inappropriate comments in front of, and about, partners
hook up with a lawyer's girlfriend
hook up with a lawyer
hook up with a paralegal, in the office, on your desk
get so drunk that you have to get taken home
access confidential personnel files "accidentally"
Jump into the Hudson river in your underwear (last summer's all-star story)

Things not to do if you want an offer:

Start ranting about "the Jews", then, when asked to leave, tell the lawyer "I have a knife in my pocket, and a gun in my car, which will it be?" (Paul Hastings LA)
Go down to New Orleans to help out Habitat for Humanity as a pro bono project, then get completely trashed, get arrested, and have your firm bail you out of jail. (Proskauer Rose [NY?])

That's really about it. Getting an offer is really that simple. Hey, if I can do it, anyone can!

Lovin that 3L life

2006-09-18T13:55:00.000-04:00

Man, being a 3L is the best! Well, relative to being a 1L I suppose. Instead of that crushing sense of defeat, you're crushing beer cans on your head. Instead of that terrible feeling of doom, you're watching the terrible spinning ceiling in your room. Last week I went to 2 out of my 8 classes. I still haven't bought half of my books. I'm drunk at least 8 hours a day, asleep for at least 10, and watching TV the rest. Good thing I'm paying 35k for this. Of course, I'd still rather be a summer associate!

9/11 remembered

2006-09-11T09:45:00.000-04:00

CNN pipeline is showing their coverage from 9/11/2001 realtime all day today. So far it's been fascinating, 5 years later, to watch the day develop. Take some time to check it out.

It's alive!!

2006-09-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

Thank god, blogger started working for me again. I've been so lonely. Let the fun return!

Blog troubles

2006-08-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to access any blogger pages. Is this just my internet connection or is blogger itself down? I'm back at home, so I'm not sure where the problems are coming from. In fact, I don't even know if anyone will be able to see this. If you can, let me know, and I guess I'll just post blindly....

I plan on doing a summer wrap up, and also some advice for kids doing OCI, so keep tuned!

Sacrifice Fly

2006-08-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

Just call me the "Teflon John". After the last hookup I once again received no reprimand. Of course, we'll find the real truth when offers are handed out (or not) next week, but I'm feelin pretty good.

So all of this summer sluttin got me to thinking. How can I turn this into a competition? The only thing better than hookin up with hot girls you work with is being able to quantify it somehow, and then rubbing it in your buddies' faces. So with this in mind, I present to you the real game of summer- Sacrifice Fly!!

Sacrifice Fly plays like baseball, both in basic rules, and that the goal is to score more than the other team. Here's how it works. Summer hookups (with any member of your firm, summer class, or support staff) will lead to "hits". Once you've accumulated enough hits to move around the diamond, you get a run. Your team can have as many "at bats" as it wants, every hookup counts. Hookups (which can be defined however you want, but I'd suggest makeouts, as it will lead to higher scores, and probably more risk taking, which is more fun for all) are scored thusly:

Single- hookup with support staff
Double- hookup with fellow summer associate
Triple- hookup with associate
Home Run- hookup with partner

Hits advance every player on base the same number of bases, and there are no extra bases (so a double will advance a player on first base to third). There are phantom runners that take the place of the players, so that if one person hits four singles in a row before anyone else gets a hit, that would count as one run. Innings will last a month each, so there will be four in total- May, June, July August. Let's take a look at a sample inning of Sacrifice Fly so that you all get how it works.

Player #1 hits a single, Player # 2 hits a double, Player # 3 hits a double, Player #4 hits a home run, Player #5 hits a single, inning ends (midnight May 31). How many runs? (this is like an LSAT question!).

#1 puts a player on first, #2 advances #1 to third base, and #2 to second, #3 drives home #1 and #2, and is now on second. #4 drives home himself and #3. #5 is left on base. So that's 4 runs total. You follow? If not then you don't deserve to hook up with anyone anyway you dumbass, so just quit now.

Setting up the teams can be as much fun as playing. After hyping up your friends, and having them read this entertaining and concise description, it's time to gather everyone together. Alcohol should be present, in copious quantities. First, you need to decide on team size- it should be somewhere between 5-10 people, depending on interest and skillz. Coed is acceptable, and encouraged. Captains will be chosen by drawing names out of a hat, and then once you have captains for each team they can start picking players, in order that their names were selected. Just like the elementary school playground. Captains will want to pick up players that will be able to score a lot, and are also willing to sacrifice for the team. Strategy is key here. Do you take the girls, cause it's easier for them to score, or do you stay away because you know they don't want to get that rep? Do you take the smooth guy, or the guy who you know will take some random hookup at the end of the month so he doesn't leave runners on base? Are your friends working 12 weeks, or 10? It's like picking your fantasy football team, but you get to play too! And who wants to get picked last in this game? That's worse than any playground cruelty the dodgeball kids could dole out.

Sacrifice Fly. Play on my friends, play on.

I am a God

2006-08-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

So I've gone and done it. I've completed the holy trifecta- last night I hooked up with an attorney from my firm. At a firm event. With witnesses. And perhaps photographic evidence.

Combined with my paralegal makeout session at the office, and my ill-advised tryst with another summer, I'm now a legend, at least in my own mind. Am I worried about any possible backlash on Monday? Maybe a little. But I figure that it looks a lot worse for her, I mean, she was taking advantage of a poor, helpless summer associate!! At least I have the threat of a sexual harassment suit to hang over their heads as offer leverage.

Lord knows I don't have anything else.

Pucker up

2006-08-01T02:40:00.000-04:00

At my firm, after your summer, you don't just get a general offer to come back, you get an offer to a specific practice group. So for example, you could be asked to join the public finance group, or the white collar crime group, or the labor group, etc. Coming into the summer I expected it to be like a choice of death- would you like the knife or the gun- but it turns out that there actually is one group I really like, and could see myself working with. Unfortunately, this group happens to be the most popular one, and for good reason, so I'm up against some of the other summers for the limited number of spots available. It's been interesting to watch the dynamic play out, as you start to see a LOT of asskissing going on. There's all this maneuvering for who goes to lunch with what attorney, and who gets an assignment from who. I've been trying to stay out of that as much as I can, and just do a lot of good work, but I'm getting the feeling that I'm going to have to play the game to get a spot, and I only have a couple of weeks left. I gave up what little soul I had when I went to law school and then worked for a law firm, but there's some spark, some gleam of moral fiber left deep within me that says I should rise above, be myself, avoid the schmoozing, and take the beating like a man when they stick me in products liability.

Good thing it's just a gleam. Can I pick up your drycleaning sir?

Beauty is a curse part deux

2006-07-22T12:39:00.000-04:00

So things are all good with the crazy girl at work now. I guess no does mean no when you say it 50 times. But now a new problem may have presented itself. Last night, after yet another open bar event, I was making out with a paralegal on top of my desk (it was pretty awesome) back at the office when a partner on the hiring committee walked by. The door to my office was closed, but I'm pretty sure he looked in and saw us through the window. Should I be worried?

And why am I so irresistable??

Question

2006-07-14T00:58:00.000-04:00

If a partner sends you an email, and there is a word misspelled (not just a typo), and you need to include the word in your response, do you use the correct spelling, or the spelling the partner used?

Fatness

2006-07-12T02:43:00.000-04:00

We need a term for all the weight you put on as a summer associate. You know, like the freshman fifteen. All these lunches and the constant drinking is taking its toll. I suggest the summer sixteen, as the summer is about half way over and I'm half way there. Ugh.

A day in the life of a summer associate

2006-07-06T01:06:00.000-04:00

This is my average day. I'm not kidding.

9:05am- arrive at work, surf internet, check email
10:00am- halfheartedly search Westlaw for an answer that isn't there
11:00am- go visit other summers, get some coffee
11:30am- return to desk, check email, espn
11:45am- open Westlaw to previous research trail, download a case
11:55am- check menu for lunch restaurant
12:00pm- lunch. at least 2 courses and 3 diet cokes
2:00pm- return to desk, surf internet in food coma
2:30pm- read downloaded case. highlight sparingly
3:00pm- nap lightly with door closed
3:10pm- coffee with other summers, talk about hot associates
3:30pm- start to worry about lack of billables for the day
3:31pm- start researching for real. no answer found as of yet
4:45pm- clean up desk- cleanliness is next to godliness!
4:59pm- leave with the satisfaction of a day's work well done

totals: 3 hours billable, 4 hours recorded as "summer associate time"

and repeat

You're fired!

2006-06-29T02:51:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not fired, but it was a little close there for a while. As my last semi-coherent post made evident, I like to drink, and I can get a little crazy. Apparently I made a few somewhat sexual comments about one of the partners, nothing too horrible, but I got three visits from people on the summer committee during the past week. They actually cut me more slack than I expected, the conversations went a little something like this.

lawyer: "So how was the event"
me: "it was fun, a little crazy"
lawyer: "oh yeah? I heard it was a lot of fun, what happened?"
(that they don't know exactly what happened is an obvious lie, and we both know it, but to maintain a professional level of decorum we pretend this isn't a warning)
me: (recount story, somewhat toned down)
lawyer: "well, just remember this is a professional environment.....bla bla bla....control.....bla bla....still a job interview......bla bla bla."
me: (apologize profusely, promise it will never happen again, knowing full well it will, resigning self to inevitable fate)

So while I didn't get fired, did you hear about the summer from USC who did? This is the hot topic among the summers. He was at Paul Hastings LA, got really drunk at an event, and started saying how he was going to fuck one of the associate's wives. After they told him to leave he then said he would kill the associate. There are conflicting reports over whether the method of killing was to be by knife or by gun.

Why didn't we have this guy at my firm? I look GREAT compared to that guy.

This is how far I've sunk.

Honesty is not the best...

2006-06-22T03:52:00.000-04:00

OK, let's be honest faithful readers. I mean real honest, just for once. I'm drunk. I'm not exaggerating, I'm drunk off my fucking ass. It's ridiculously early in the morning, I've been drinkin top shelf liquor at a firm event all night, and I can barely see this screen. So really, in this confessional mood, I need to talk about drinking at these events. I figure this is the best time.

There is a slim line. A Nicole Richie ass slim line that we must walk, when participating in this ridiculous 3 month long nonbillable interview. Fact #1- I like to get drunk. I'm talking NDC or L&A drunk. This is my current level of intoxication as I write this post. Fact #2- the firm throws many summer events with open bars. Fact #3- many partners attend these events. Said partners are the ones evaluating my summer offer. This is just some background.

So let's talk about right now. I mean right this fuckimg minute. I just left a firm event. I drank a lot. We went to a swanky ass club and spent a lot of swanky ass money. My fellow summers don't seem to know how to maintain. One just told us she'd kill us all, another just got arrested for public intoxication. I mean, come on, how are you supposed to get an offer when the firm has to bail you out of the drunk-tank? I tried to make it all cool with the partner, you know, pretend like this was a dress rehearsal for the MTV movie awards, but I don't think he bought it. Is that not a good excuse? But whatever, who cares about that. The main point is that it's a fine line. Every time I mention that one time I got her to say yes to anal, I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. Every time I embellish the story about that time we got arrested in Spain, it's like I have to scale it back to a mere imprisonment. But if I just stay quiet, and listen to the fun incidents of macrame mishaps, I die a little inside. I need to drink to live, but must live to drink. This is the circle of summer associateship, and this is why I must post my pain.

Thank you all for reading this best post ever, I promise to return to sober posting of nonsensical stories next week.

and exeunt.

Summer Gunners

2006-06-18T00:52:00.000-04:00

For some reason I expected a gunner reprieve this summer, thinking that they would somehow disappear once they were out of the law school environment. I was wrong, as usual. Even though our firm gives out basically 100% offers every year, so there's no real competition for jobs, some people insist on going "above and beyond." While every attorney keeps emphasizing that we should be out of there by 5, that the summer is for fun and not for work, we have those few summers who refuse to play ball. While I'm out getting drunk and inappropriate at summer events they're refining their memos and volunteering for extra due diligence.

So how to deal with this problem? It kinda makes the rest of us look bad when there are a few gunners billing more than my 3 hours a day (which all get written off anyway). Obviously working the same hours is out of the question. We can't use the regular lawschool method- ostracize them mercilessly- because the attorneys want to see that we can play nice. They seem to be oblivious to group pressure anyway.

This is a problem for many of my friends this summer, as my friends are lazy, and we hate gunners. So what to do law blog reading world?? Let's figure this one out together, I submit myself to your wisdom. This is a chance where the internet can make a real difference in someone's life.

Kind of like the star wars kid.

Beauty is a curse

2006-06-12T22:39:00.000-04:00

As was mentioned in the comments regarding my last post, it's never a good idea to hook up with another summer associate, because you're stuck together at every event, and every event involves copious amounts of liquor. When the summer you hook up with is a little crazy, on top of being an alcoholic, this leads to some difficult situations. Like her trying to rub your crotch under the table while eating dinner with a partner. Or her pleading you give her a ride home, in front of other people so you can't say no, and then insisting that you come in to her place to "talk about it". Or her refusing to leave your office until you promise that you'll go to the event that night. Or her sending work emails debating the situation to you, using her work Treo. Or her saying "it's gonna be a lot more awkward if you reject me than if you just give in."

So this is why sexual harassment is bad!

The smartest thing I will ever say

2006-06-05T02:32:00.000-04:00

Do not hook up with someone at work. Seriously.
Sometimes crazy takes a while to show itself.

Mindless goodness

2006-06-01T01:33:00.000-04:00

I had my first corporate assignment today. I'd been doing litigation stuff the past week, which involved doing research online and writing a couple of memos. More on that later. What I really want to talk about is how awesome corporate stuff is. This is what I did today: replaced "June 2" with "June 3" on a bunch of documents, and changed names and addresses on a bunch more documents. That's it. They paid me over 500 dollars to do this, as well as taking me out to a three hour lunch. A ten year-old can do this. The assigning attorney actually said if I didn't finish it he'd just give it to his secretary. His SECRETARY! Some people would be pissed that they'd put in two years busting their ass in law school to be stuck copy-pasting. I'm ecstatic. This is the kind of mindless work that I excel at. Go law firm!

I have what you need

2006-05-30T00:11:00.000-04:00

Starting a summer at a big law firm is scary. Unless you know a bunch of lawyers, or have worked at a firm in some capacity before (neither of which apply to me), you just don't know what to expect. So I'll tell you, cause I'm cool like that.

The first day will be orientation, which will last for another couple days. This is when you get to meet the other summer associates, or at least those who are starting that day. First impressions matter a lot, so don't be a dumbass. Continual nervous laughter is annoying but understandable. Talking about your raunchy fraternity days is not. Take a good look around, because you will be hooking up with at least one of these people this summer. I got mine out of the way early (thursday). I figured I didn't want that pressure hanging over my head for next 12 weeks. So far it's not too weird, but I'll let you know. Make sure to also pick out the smart nice one to whom you can ask questions the rest of the summer. I've already got mine on speed dial (she's on law review) (and this is the first time I've ever used 'whom' in my life. Damn firm).

At orientation you're going to learn how to use the firm's computer systems, how to deal with your secretary, and all that jazz. No one remembers it after, don't stress it. Just lay back and dream of all the nice things you're going to buy with the ridiculous money they're paying you. I'm thinking a deluxe jukebox that plays only 2pac. Thoughts?

The other big hurdle of the first day is the lunch with the associates. This is their first chance to check out the new meat, and trust me, they're looking. So look hot. Even after they discover my legal skills are lacking, and they made a huge mistake in hiring me, at least they'll say "damn that guy looks good. Maybe we should keep him around to deal with clients." This is my only hope.

So take this unsolicited advice and use it well. The lawyers keep telling me to enjoy this summer, the two hour lunches, the firm sponsored drinking events, the comforting coddling, because this is our last taste of freedom before we sign away the rest of our lives. That's probably the best advice of all.

I’m back baby! I’m back!

2006-05-28T12:59:00.000-04:00

I was gone for a minute but now I'm home,
I was gone for a minute...

Hey y'all, I'm back, refreshed, and ready to blog my little heart out! Lets just say that finals didn’t go as well as I might have hoped, good thing no one fails in law school. I took a little vacation to clear my head, and after the doctors assured me over and over that I couldn’t die from angst, and to please get the heck out of the hospital so they could treat real patients, I started the biglaw summer associate job on Monday. How’s it been so far? Incredible. I’m gonna be a blog maniac this summer, it’s not like I’m working hard or anything, so keep YALB at #1 on your favorites list if it’s not already, put up flyers around town, take out advertising time on your local cable access channel, cause it’s gonna be a wild ride my friends.

DOD spying on law schools=ridiculous

2006-05-05T14:30:00.000-04:00

Recently released department of defense documents have confirmed media reports that goverment agencies have been monitoring law schools in the name of investigating "terrorist threats". Who are these lawschool terrorists? Students who were protesting JAG recruiting on campus. (if you haven't heard about the protests- meaning you're probably not a law student- universities have to allow military recruiters on campus or lose federal funding. The problem is that law schools usually have strict anti-discrimination policies for on campus employers, and the military doesn't hire LGBT people. You can read more about it here.)

I'm really glad that our government is putting its resources to such good use. I can definitely see how people protesting for equal rights are a significant terrorist threat. Give me a break Rumsfeld, and get the fuck outta my school.

I wonder if VH1 is hiring

2006-05-02T15:54:00.000-04:00

The Bitter Law Student was wondering if it was better to be knowledgeable about the law or pop culture. Is this even a debate? Would you rather talk about the rule against perpetuities or Ja Rule? The first amendment or 50 First dates? Ruth Bader-Ginsburg or Dr. Ruth? Brown v. Board of Ed. or Bobby Brown? Co-conspirator statements or the Bourne Conspiracy? I could go on forever if I didn't have to learn an entire semester in the next 2 days. Law school sucks.

Horseplay

2006-04-30T16:50:00.000-04:00

So bestiality became a felony in Washington this year, apparently spurred forward because of a death last year. The guy died from a "perforation of the sigmoid colon during anal intercourse with a horse." I don't know how I didn't hear of this when it happened, this is vastly more newsworthy than most of the crap that gets coverage, but you've really got to check out the article.

Here's part of an IM conversation between a friend and I discussing the new law.

M: 'Sexual contact' means any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of a person and the sex organ, mouth, or anus of any animal, or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of the person into the sex organ or anus of an animal, for the purpose of sexual gratification or arousal of the person. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual contact."
K: hahahaha
K: echh
M: hmm, it would seem to allow giving horses head
M: by the plain text of the statute
K: yeah you're right
M: this is one of those moments where you realize that law school has forever ruined you

Stop the madness!

2006-04-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

What's the deal with giving professors gifts at the end of the semester? Who started this inane tradition? What, their 6 figure salary and lifetime appointments aren't enough? Does the silly book or gift basket that somehow relates to something that happened in the class validate them as a person? It's like we're tipping a waiter or something. Can you imagine any other profession where you get gifts for just doing your job? "Thanks for filing my taxes, here's a goofy calculator!", "Great job on the implants doc, have a jug of milk!", "Wow, my garden looks great, here's some cerveza!". Professors already get enough love from the gunners the rest of the year, no need to bring me into it as well. Profs are the source of all (well, at least most) of my discontent, chipping in a couple of bucks is kicking a man when he's down. So future 1Ls of the world unite! Stop this tradition right now, and maybe I'll get you a job in 3 years.

Blogging blahs

2006-04-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes running an anonymous blog sucks. You can't really talk about really personal stuff that happened to you, cause then your friends will recognize it, and word gets out. You also can't increase your traffic by telling your friends and getting that word-of-mouth action, so it can feel like you're shouting into the void sometimes. Why keep it anonymous you ask? Because this summer I'll be blogging about life as a summer associate at a biglaw firm, and I don't want to get my ass canned. So instead you're stuck commenting on the random, stupid shit that makes up the life of a law student. And often you're so tired of dealing with that in real life, you don't exactly feel like trying to make it consumable for your 35 visitors a day. So that's why there's been the dearth of posts lately, well, that and trying to finish all the reading I've skipped this semester (thank god for legalines). But I'm comin back strong this summer, no worries, the blog will return to it's sweet goodness.

On the subject of random stupid shit, what the hell is up with bowties? Anyone under the age of 65 that wears one should be shot on sight. And that goes double for pompous law students. I mean come on, the world already thinks we're big enough tools as it is.

Hang on Stevens!

2006-04-13T17:19:00.000-04:00

Staying in the Supreme Court, here's a semi-crappy song that reflects well my wishes for the court. (No I didn't write this, and I have no idea who did).

Hang on Stevens

Show me the money!

2006-04-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

The chief justice of the supreme court of the united states, the most powerful legal force in the country, makes $212,000 a year. Associate justices make $203,000. A fifth year associate at a biglaw firm, who probably hasn't even had his or her own case yet, but is a pro at document review? $195,000, plus bonus. How can it be that a fifth year associate makes more than a supreme court justice? That's fucked up. Here's my top 4 list for a revamped payscale:

Supreme Court justice. Current pay: $203-$212k a year.
· Should make: $750k a year. You need to recruit top talent.
President of the United States. Current pay: $400k a year.
· Should make: $150k a year if Democrat, $100k a year if Republican (they get more kickbacks). Politicians’ pay is tax free (or at least taxed less), and they can spin it into sooo much cash after 4 years. Plus free housing, travel, and security.
The New York Knicks. Team salary this year- $125 million
· Should make: Substantially less. They’re paying Alan Houston $20 mill, and he’s not even playing, Stephon Marbury $18 mill, Jalen Rose $17 mill, and Steve Francis $15 mill. And they’re second last in the league! How is Isiah Thomas still the GM???
The entire service team at McDonald’s. Current pay: $5.15/hr
· Should make: $7.50/hr. I salute you, workers of McDonald’s, for always having my fries piping hot and salty, my burgers moist and juicy, and smiles for free. You deserve the raise. I love you.

Supreme Stars, part 2

2006-04-09T20:11:00.000-04:00

Alright you YALB addicts, I know you've been jonesin hard for part two of the series, so I put extra effort into this one, just for you. I spent countless minutes searching my extensive movie knowledge and my limited legal knowledge to come up with these matches. Enjoy, and be amazed!

John Paul Stevens....................Ian Bannen
.........
Stevens is great because he's both ancient and crazy. If you ever see a 8-1 decision, there's a 90% chance that Stevens is the lone dissenter. Poor guy is always trying to get his point across, and no one's listening, but I have a strange feeling he's going to get the last laugh. So who the fuck is Ian Bannen you ask? He played Robert the Bruce's leper father in Braveheart, another go-it-alone idealist, just trying to watch out for what's best for everyone. Unfortunately Mr. Bannen died in a car crash in 1999, but let's not dwell on petty details.

Anthony Kennedy......................Harrison Ford
..........
Kennedy comes from an Irish background, and grew up in California. I'm assuming that those things are also true of Harrison. I also heard that Kennedy got the job by getting a sacred jewel from a temple deep in the forest, guarded by guys that can tear your heart right out through your chest, but that might just be a rumor.

Antonin Scalia......................James Gandolfini
.........
Seriously, do I even need to explain this one?

David Souter.........................Jim Carrey
.....
Apart from the shocking similarities in their grins, these two are both guys who made us think they were absolute crap, before showing they had a deeper, better, kinder side. Souter was supposed to be a great Republican judge, but turned out to be pretty liberal, and Jim went from Ace Ventura to Eternal Sunshine.

Clarence Thomas.....................Ving Rhames
...........
While I almost went with Nye's suggestion of Alfonso Ribeiro, as I'd heard that Thomas had some sweet dance moves, I just didn't think Carlton had the brooding look that's required to play Thomas. I also thought it'd have to be someone that understood what it was like to be best known for illicit sexual escapades. Ving Rhames seemed to be the logical pick. He's got the look down pat, and everyone remembers that scene from Pulp Fiction. Thomas had Anita Hill, Ving had Zed and the Gimp. Sexy.

Well that's it for Supreme Stars. Next step is to call your local network affiliate, mayor, senator, whatever, and get this shit on the air. Can you imagine? Maybe dreams can come true...

Supreme Stars, part 1

2006-04-07T19:04:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of ongoing awesomeness that this blog personifies, here's part one of a two-part series about which hollywood star would be best to play each SC justice, if some network wanted to reenact court proceedings, the way E! did with the last Michael Jackson trial. I tried to pick actors with at least a passing resemblence. I also claim all rights associated with this great idea, you saw it here first. Forgive the formatting, I'm sure it'll turn out terrible, but I can't do html for shit. (hints?)

John Roberts..................... Bill Pullman
......
Roberts needs someone strong and sexy like Bill Pullman to play him. Bill's got experience playing leader, he was the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES in Independence Day, for crying out loud. He'd do Roberts proud, and he's got the look.

Ruth Bader-Ginsburg................ Jennifer Grey
.........
Of course, it would have to be the 1980s, Ferris Bueller, Dirty Dancing, pre-nose-job Jennifer Grey. Gotta love that nose. Much like ol' RBG, she's got the spunk to stand up to the men, maybe because of their New York city roots. Oh, and they also both graduated with the highest grades in the history of Columbia Law School.

Samuel Alito..........................Chazz Palminteri
.........
I don't really know much about Scalito, other than he's skeezy, and may or may not have some mob ties (due to the fact that he's italian american of course). He's best played by another semi-unknown, therefore Chazz, who always has bit parts as a gangster. They're both ugly men who scare me, what else do you want?

Stephen Breyer...........................Chevy Chase
.......
Just look at this goofy guy, Chevy would be perfect! Breyer believes in deference to the legislature, and is somewhat leftwing, and Chevy once played a golfer in Caddyshack. Perfect match!

Stay tuned for part two, guaranteed to be even more ridiculous. Who do you think should play Thomas?

Justice Milian rules after this

2006-04-05T21:00:00.000-04:00

So the senate has a bill pending that would require supreme court proceedings to be televised. Um, why? It’ll just confirm our belief that the justices don’t even care about the law, they just ask a few questions and then decide based on their political views. (on a side note, it’s appalling that you can usually tell in advance the voting patterns of the court just based on the politics of a case).

Plus, have you ever seen C-Span? Or been to a trial? It’s boring as fuck! What they really should do is set up a system like they had with the Michael Jackson trial. Bring in some actors, reenact what happened each day, but only the juicy bits, with some commentary on the side. Maybe have James Gandolfini as Scalia, Kevin Spacey as Roberts, Denzel as Thomas. Now that would be good television. Otherwise, leave me with my People’s Court and Judges Judy, Alex, Joe Brown, and Hatchett, and get the hell outta my TV.

Law Revue

2006-04-03T19:05:00.000-04:00

Our school had its annual "law revue" musical this last week, once again reminding me how much I hate lawschool. (as if I had forgotten, it eats at me every waking moment). The sad attempts at modifying songs from the 80s to be about adverse possession brings into sharp relief the evil, all-encompassing nature of what we've involved ourself in. We knowingly chuckle along to jokes about Pennoyer and jurisdiction, while the guests in the audience look around in disbelief. Let's step back a moment. This is not funny. We are lame. Law school is sucking the personality right out of us.

I used to wonder why anyone would ever bring a non-law student to one of these things. Now, I think it should be mandatory before applying to law school. Every eager undergrad, before taking the LSAT, should be forced to come to one of these and look around. Kids, do you want this to be the rest of your life? I didn't think so.

US News Rankings

2006-03-30T18:48:00.000-05:00

So the word around campus was that our school had moved up a spot in the new US News rankings. So I checked out good ol' xoxo, because if there's one thing that shitbag site is good at, it's rankings. Turns out it's true. Yay for us.
People care so much about these damn rankings. And the sad thing is they matter. Firms care, therefore we care. It's stupid but inevitable. Do I think I'm better than someone that goes to a lower ranked school than me? Well yeah, but that's cause I'm a freakin genius. I think my real point is that there is no way I'd hire myself over someone who was a hard worker, but went to a "lower" school. Lucky I've got my looks to fall back on.

Disorder in the court

2006-03-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

As I'm too beat, and lazy, to write a real post, here are some great excerpts from "Disorder in the Court", a book about all the crazy shit that goes on the courtroom.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Declarations against penal interest

2006-03-23T11:21:00.000-05:00

Is it juvenile that I snicker every time a professor says "penal"? Or "seamen"? Or "duty"? Anyways, we were learning about "declarations against penal interest" in evidence the other day, which are exceptions to the hearsay rules, and it got me thinking about some of the declarations I've made against my own penal interest in the past. Here are a few.

"have you ever thought about getting that mustache waxed?"
"your sister is kinda cute"
"so remember when I told you the video camera was turned off..."
"herpes shmerpes"

And of course the best line of all time, "I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party." Oh the penal pain.

Points Whore

2006-03-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

I collect Westlaw and Lexis points like a raging lunatic. Most people check their email first thing in the morning. Not me, I have more important things to do first. I log onto Lexis to play the true/false game for 25 points (and yes, I look up the answers), then hit up Westlaw to keycite a random case (so I get entered into the keycite sweepstakes, plus get 25 research points), then sign off to play Westlaw trivia for another ten points. And yes, I look up those answers too. There's a training session for bonus points? I'm there. Fill out some bingo card to win? You got it. Online tutorials? Done 'em all. You may mock me, but nothing beats that sense of satisfaction as I hit Lexis "Elite" status once again. In fact, I think I'm more proud of my prodigious points accumulation than anything else I've accomplished in law school. And that my friends is the depressing truth of a points whore.

*dammit, There's no Competition in Law School beat me to this post by two days. At least I'm not the only addict.

Negative returns

2006-03-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

Is there anything more depressing than coming back from spring break? You lug your overtanned ass back to class for the final stretch before exams and that sinking feeling takes hold. Only a month until exams. Still haven't opened the books. Still have 2 papers that are overdue. Professors start ramping up the reading because they're behind. Tension in the air as 1Ls begin to crack. The looming dread of being exposed as a fraud once the summer associateship sails.

And where the fuck is spring this year anyway? It's freezing. Everything sucks.

Spring Break!

2006-03-11T16:36:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the time that I should be finally opening my books, but instead I'm getting drunk. So basically nothing has changed except I'll be at the beach. See you all next week.

Moooooo-t

2006-03-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

Some people care a lot about moot court. These are usually the people who were debaters in high school/college, or on the mock trial team, or those weirdos who actually like law school. Personally, I find this very sad. I care about important things, like TV and drinking. If I ever really get into lawschool extracurriculars, kill me.

I was in a moot court competition last weekend. Unfortunately, as a stupid 1L I'd thought that having moot court on my resume would be a good thing, so I tried out and made it onto the team. This was a mistake. I seriously doubt that any firm cared about this, all it accomplished was wasting my time. Unsolicited advice to 1Ls- don't do it! Anyways, I'm at this competition, and the other teams really cared about winning. They were working hard, had judges as coaches, were going to bed nice and early. We drank until about 4am every day, and prayed for an early exit so we wouldn't have to get up early the next day. We won. I think some of them cried. Maybe the only thing sadder about really caring about this kind of stuff is losing to someone who thinks it's idiotic, and is so hungover he can barely stand.

What is the point of this story? A question. Who will do better in the real world? People who care about this stuff and work hard at it, or someone with natural oral skills like myself? Discuss.

Laptop etiquette

2006-03-07T12:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in class my laptop fan turns on. It's moderately loud, so I'll close the multiple windows (in which I'm writing emails, checking my sports fantasy teams, playing games- basically doing anything but paying attention) so that it turns off. This is a basic courtesy to the few who are actually there to learn.
To the person behind me in Evidence whose laptop continually sounds like a 747 taking off- people aren't turning around to stare at you because of your witty comments about hearsay. Either get a new fuckin laptop, bring a legal pad to class, or I'm gonna break that motherfucking thing over your big ignorant head.
Thank you.

You know you love Law & Order too much when...

2006-03-05T11:44:00.000-05:00

You're hurrying home to catch an episode, pick up a slice of pizza, notice a hair on it, figure you don't have time to get a new one, you'll just pick it off when you get home, rush home, watch the show, completely forget to take off that nasty hair, eat the pizza, realize what you've done ........and don't even care, because you didn't miss the show.

Law library

2006-03-02T16:44:00.000-05:00

So Elle over at Legally Blonde was complaining about people being loud in the computer lab. It made me think of this great craigslist post from last year. Yeah, yeah, it's old, but it's funny. And true. I only wandered into the law library once during finals, and vowed never to return. It was even scarier than that time a shark attacked me.

Procrastination

2006-03-01T10:35:00.000-05:00

So I still haven't started this paper that was due last semester. I did get an extension until January, but that was a couple of months ago. I've dropped a few emails to the prof, along with a voicemail, but I haven't heard back from her in over a month. My question is: What are my responsibilities now? I've made a good faith effort to meet with the professor, with no response, so is the paper now due whenever I feel like handing it in? Do I have to keep trying to contact her? What's the protocol?

Side question: will I ever hand it in unless I get another deadline?
Answer: unlikely

Double side question: Is this indicative of my future complete failure at a firm?
Answer: very likely

Law Humor

2006-02-28T11:12:00.000-05:00

Great post over at barely legal about lame legal humor. This is exactly why I ended the genderiffic series. Once I realized I'd slipped into the "applying legal terms to common situations" trap, I knew it was time to Schiavo the series.

I wonder why it is that people in the legal field always do this. (I'm assuming actual lawyers also do this as well, but hopefully I'm wrong). Is is that we're so caught up in this fascinating subject? Or is that we've been swallowed whole and socialized to act as "lawyers", and therefore my minimum contacts joke is hilarious? Or is it just the inner nerds coming out, and now it's socially acceptable to make wry academic observations?

I've got to go with door #2. As much as I hate hanging out with other law students, the further along I go, the more I lose my ability to talk about anything else it seems. The hot topic of discussion yesterday was how to correctly pronounce "amicus". Prelawschool me would have punched lawschool me in the face. Now? I fight passionately for a-mee-cus.
I really need that punch in the face.

Genderiffic #4- Contracts

2006-02-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

If contracts had a gender, what would it be?

From what I remember about contracts, you need to have an offer, an acceptance, and consideration for there to be a valid contract. Let’s figure out the gender of this rule by examining a common transaction: me trying to pick up a girl in a bar.

1. Offer: seems to be clear. I buy her a few drinks, compliment her, and make thinly veiled sexual references. Plus I’m a guy.

2. Acceptance: never clear. However the UCC says that any expression of acceptance can be enough, even if there are additional terms. So in my book, the return flirting and accepting the drinks are sufficient.

3. Consideration: must bargain together and there must be some legal detriment. I submit that the $30 I’ve just shelled out for 3 Cosmos, and the time spent listening to stories about her high school escapades, are sufficient. Her legal detriment? A night with me of course.

However, would this ever be considered a contract? Of course not. There are all these defenses that would shut me down (instead of the usual "casual mention" of her "boyfriend").

-Unconscionability (contract is so lopsided as to be unfair)
-Constructive condition (there was implicitly a 3 date minimum involved)
-Illegality (she’s only 17)
-Misrepresentation (I told her I was a race car driver)

So I suppose that contracts is female. Rigid rules for creating relationships, but lots of escape hatches for when they've realized the huge mistake they've made? Yup, female. Guys are about the easy in, easy out.

[Edit.] This is the end of the genderiffic series. I've just realized that this is the lame kind of law humor that makes me hate my life so much. Sorry to inflict this on you.

5 reasons why the first grade is better than law school

2006-02-24T17:28:00.000-05:00

When your professor is sick and a class is canceled, you have to make it up. Usually on a Friday.
When you take your after-lunch nap, the drool can short out your laptop
Instead of gold stars, you get journal appointments.
Recess is still a break, but you now have to prepare for the next witness, and there are no monkey bars.
“Kiss tag” is now called “sexual harassment”

Genderiffic #3- Professional Responsibility

2006-02-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

If professional responsibility had a gender, what would it be?

PR (ethics) is all about avoiding conflicts, creating and defining rules for relationships, the no-contact rule, and fulfilling your duties to others. Oh right, plus you can't have sex with clients. This one is just too easy, I'm not even going to bother. Female!

Harvard squares

2006-02-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

I visited my friend who's at Harvard law this weekend. That poor girl. I have never met a sadder bunch of people than Harvard law kids. I guess I couldn't understand her complaints until I actually visited. I mean, I'd met a few Harvard kids before, and they had all seemed ok. Let's just say stats 101 was correct- a small sample size does not give an accurate representation.

Law students who aren't me are generally on the uglier side, and a little socially awkward. This is an unfortunate truth, and yet another reason why I hate law school. Harvard multiplies this phenomenon by about 10. Seriously ugly, seriously awkward. Plus everyone is wearing a collared shirt under their sweater. A big night out at Harvard is a beer at the local bar, a discussion about Alito, and in bed by 1am. Yikes. We wanted to go out and party, and she had no problem finding a bunch of people at 10pm on a Friday night that had no plans. Then I got hammered and made "Good Will Hunting" and "Legally Blonde" jokes until they left in a huff. Over-sensitive bastards.

She said she'd trade places with me in a second, and go to my lower ranked (obviously) school, where she could at least have some fun. I dunno, that might be a good trade. If I'm gonna hate law school either way, might as well have Harvard on my resume, right? They do have their own ice skating rink, after all.

Genderiffic #2- Civil Procedure

2006-02-17T21:24:00.000-05:00

If civil procedure had a gender, what would it be?

Civpro is all about the rules. Do this, don't do that. Seems easy, right? Well, I'm not going to take the easy route and declare civpro a woman right off the bat, so let's do some detailed analysis and make some more broad generalizations.

Rule 8a: requires a short and plain statement of the claim, and what relief is sought. Clearly a masculine rule. The female version would be a drawn out discussion in which you could never say what the problem was, or what you wanted. You should just know.

Rule 12e: motion for a more definite statement. A guy's dream. This would save so much grief if we could make this motion in a relationship.

Rule 14a: original defendant can bring in a third party, and say it was really all their fault. Female rule. Generally, when guys have fucked up they'll admit it and say they're sorry. Women tend to avoid confrontation, and therefore try to deflect attacks onto other causes. It's not them, it's the PMS.

Rule 24: allows you to intervene in a lawsuit. Guys usually stick out of each other's business, girls have to know everything about everyone. Female rule.

These four rules come to a tie, but overall most of the rules focus on one thing: clarity. They seek to eliminate ambiguity and make things hassle free and simple. Civpro is definitely a guy.

XOXO rant

2006-02-16T14:42:00.000-05:00

I cannot fucking stand the autoadmit discussion boards (xoxohth.com). Internet posturing is stupid at all times, but it's even worse when it's insecure losers bragging about their LSAT scores, or how prestigious their law school or firm is, or starting threads about how ugly some girl is at a firm (while linking to her profile). If this is what other lawyers are going to be like, I want out. They make us all look like utter assholes. People should avoid law school because it sucks, not because of these jerks.
Any school that isn't "HYS" (Harvard /Yale/ Stanford) is apparently a "TTT" (third tier toilet). That has got to be the worst term I've ever heard, apart from "pwn3d", which is also used liberally. Basically every conversation goes like this:

#1: Penn is a TTT
#2: No it isn't (quotes some stats to show how great Penn is)
#1: Yes it is. I rejected it, and I'm awesome. (quotes other stats that show how crappy Penn is)
#3: 170 (apparently this indicates how good a post was. In LSAT scoring.)
#4: Pwn3d!

I know, I know, I should just ignore it, but God I hate these motherfuckers.

Genderiffic #1- Torts

2006-02-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's post, where I stated that torts was obviously a guy, started me wondering. What if all law school subjects had genders? As if we were in France, but without the nudity, smoking, and great food. I present to you the first in my awesome new "Genderiffic" series. I'll start off with torts, as I've already claimed to know its gender.

If torts had a gender, what would it be?

My immediate thought (stated yesterday) was that torts is evidently a guy. He's destructive, he's negligent, and alcohol is often a factor but never an excuse. He's basically me. But then I thought back, and remembered all that talk about the "reasonable person." It's not a tort if you act as a reasonable person would. Torts involves the absence of the reasonable person, so, logically, torts is without question a woman.

Down with VD

2006-02-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

Man, is this a lame holiday. And it's even lamer (yeah, it's a word) when law students are involved. I heard about 30 variations on this "joke" today:

#1: "So, any hot valentine's day plans?"
#2: "Yeah, I got a hot date with [Ms. Torts]"

First of all, it's clearly Mr. Torts. Second, who would ever date torts? The only classes I would date would be Animal Law, for obvious sexual innuendo reasons, and maybe International Law for the accent. Although honestly, given my law school dating history, I'd probably be stuck with "The Regulation of Vice" and be celebrating tonight with some over-the-clothes petting and a Sprite. This holiday sucks.

A Million Little Lies

2006-02-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm way behind the times on this one, which is nothing new, but I just found out that 3 class actions are being brought against James Frey and his publisher for the misrepresentations made in "A Million Little Pieces". Are you fucking kidding me? I actually read this book long before Oprah made it popular, and was similarly disappointed to find out he was lying, but this is just taking it too far. Now am I opening myself up to litigation when I tell a girl she's the only one for me? Or when I tell every firm I interview with the same thing? If only I'd know about this option back when I was rocking out to Milli Vanilli (don't forget my number!).
Newsflash kids- wrestling isn't real, the Easter Bunny doesn't exist, and people exaggerate. Get over it, stop wasting everyone's time, and get back to your pathetic, meaningless lives.

postscript: I actually was pretty pissed off myself when I found out the book was partially fiction. It was the same when Opinionista admitted on her blog that "Characters are caricaturized versions of people....None of it was entirely made up, but it was dramatized and told from my melodramatic point of view." I promise to never "Frey" you guys, all stories will be true (if not boring), although I will change identifying characteristics.

Great news

2006-02-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

From New York Times: Last year, for the first time since the 1997-98 admission cycle, the number of applicants to law school declined, by 4.6 percent, and so far this year, the number has declined by 9.5 percent....It may be that a surge in popularity a few years ago has, perversely, led to the current decline in interest in law schools, said David E. Kelley, creator and producer of the television show "Boston Legal" and himself a lawyer. "The more lawyers there are, the more people are out there to encourage others not to go to law school."

Great news! People are finally getting the message: law school sucks. A lot. Plus that means less competition for me. I'll keep working on spreading the word, trust me.

In other great news, New York law firms are increasing first year salaries to 145k, and Los Angeles firms are going to 135k. I can't wait for the extra cash in my pocket, but it might make me feel even more guilty about the malpractice I'm about to unleash on the legal world. There is just no way my services are worth $145,000. But then again, who am I to argue?

Sexual injection

2006-02-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

So I was watching "Maury" today, which is often how I spend my extensive daytime procrastination hours, and it was the usual "3 men could be my baby's daddy" show. For some reason it reminded me of this great case we read in first year crim, Boro v. Superior Court, 163 Cal.App.3d 1224. Basically, this guy Boro calls up Ms. R and tells her he was a physician from Peninsula Hospital, and that her blood test had shown an extremely rare disease that could be fixed by a very costly procedure, or by having sexual intercourse with a man injected with a serum, for a reduced cost. Ms. R, being the money-savvy woman that she was, of course chooses the "sexual injection", meets Boro at a hotel room, and pays him for the treatment. When Ms. R later discovers, much to everyone's surprise, that she was duped, she charges Boro with rape. And loses! The court said that because she knew she was having sex, it didn't matter that the reasons for it were false.

Now, I thought this was a pretty awesome case. My female classmates disagreed, and I have a strong suspicion that voicing my feelings in class was at least part of the source of the dating drought that ensued. Now, don't get me wrong, rape is terrible, but this case was just so ludicrous, I couldn't feel too bad for Ms. R. She believed that meeting this guy in a hotel room and paying him in cash for a sexual injection was a legit cure. Come on now. You also gotta wonder how many women Boro called before he got one to fall for it. So many questions.

Then, in what I think was the final nail in the coffin, I busted out this direct quote from the casebook. “Of course men often use their economic superiority to gain sexual advantages, but women often use their sexual superiority to gain economic advantages. So who is the extortionist?”

I've since learned to keep my mouth shut.

Ode to LLMs

2006-02-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

Ahh, foreign LLMs, where would I be without you? You always raise your hand in class so I don't get called on, your accents rule, and you take all the bad grades on the test because you don't understand the questions. You're like exotic but stupid gunners, and I love you. Never change, never quit. I will never tire of "well, in my country...", or "Wait, you mean this precedent is binding?" or "constitution?". You complete me.

Superbowl Special

2006-02-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

An interview with Jerome Bettis, done entirely in latin legal maxims. Jerome doesn't speak latin.

M: Thanks for taking time to be with us Jerome, we’re a big admirer of your work here at YALB
JB: Thanks M, I’m an avid reader of your site, glad to be here.
M: Now let’s get down to business. A lot has been made of the fact that this is your “homecoming”. Do you subscribe to the notion of domus sua cuique est tuissimum refugium? [to everyone his house is his surest refuge].
JB: Uhh, what?
M: Ok, next question. What was up with that fumble at the end of the Colts game? Everyone knows abundans cautela non nocet. [there is no harm done by great caution].
JB: Umm, I don’t really speak…
M: Ha ha! Good answer Jerome. I guess I can audi alteram parteram. [hear the other side]. It’s true that nemo tenetur ad impossibile. [no one is required to do what is impossible]. Everybody’s gotta fumble sometime.
JB: Right, the fumble. What had happened was…
M: 2 hands on the ball Jerome! Nemo contra factum suum proprium venire potest. [no one can go against his own deed].
JB: Look, I don’t speak Chinese
M: Of course not. Let’s move on to this Jerramy Stevens / Joey Porter feud. Do you believe injuria non excusat injuriam? [one wrong does not justify another]?
JB: Is this punk’d or something? (awkward pause) Ok fine, the feud. Really, the media has blown this….
M: Volenti non fit injuria! [that to which a man consents cannot be considered an injury]!
JB: Look, I’m warning you buddy, enough with the…..
M: Ignorantia juris quod quisque scire tenetur non excusat! [ignorance of the law is no excuse]!
JB: Alright, that’s it. (vicious blows to M’s soft head)
JB: (standing over M’s prone, bloody body) Rex non potest peccare. [the King can do no wrong]. Bitch.

Untouchable

2006-02-05T00:28:00.000-05:00

I was watching “The Untouchables” today, a movie I loved as a kid. At the penultimate scene, Kevin Costner gets the judge to switch juries, because Robert De Niro has bought them off. Anyways, De Niro’s lawyer switches the plea to guilty, and De Niro just goes crazy as he gets hauled off to jail.
Why do I tell you this? Because coming to law school has ruined this movie for me now. A lawyer can’t just change a plea, have the defendant object, and still have the guilty plea go through.
That’s ridiculous.What’s even more ridiculous is that now I’ll never be able to enjoy this movie the same way. And this is just one example of many, trust me. All I have left is the booze.

Top 5 things I wish I'd known before coming to law school

2006-02-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

You get one exam per class. This one exam is worth 100% of your grade. This is stressful.
The "socratic method" means you have to actually prepare for class.
Drinking until you throw up is now considered "juvenile" and "embarrassing". Especially if you throw up on another law student
Law firms do not pay off your student debt. (Thank you very much Mr. Tom Cruise ("The Firm"))
Jack Nicholson was right, I can't handle the truth

Homecoming

2006-01-31T20:43:00.000-05:00

Every time I go back home, it's the same story.

To relatives: "Yes, law school is great. It's a lot of work, and I wish I had more time to enjoy the city, but I'm really learning a lot."

To parents: "Yes, the money you're dropping into this degree is totally worth it. And all those loans you co-signed for me, don't worry, there is zero chance I'll default on them."

To former classmates:"Oh, you think that biology assignment is tough? You baby. I just spent 36 hours straight learning the intricacies of the excited utterance rule. Your life has no value."

To friends: "Please kill me now. Please."

To God: see "to friends"

To self: "No wonder I left this shithole, I can't wait to get back to school."

Seating

2006-01-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

Second day of class...
Professor Evil: Mr. X, what do you think about the holding in this case?
Mr. X: well.....
Professor Evil: Mr. X, what are you doing in that seat??? On my seating chart you're one seat over.
Mr. X: ummm......
Professor Evil: Does not the syllabus make it very clear that you cannot switch seats after the first day of class?
Mr. X: yeah, I guess so, I must have made a
Professor Evil (interrupting): I made this very clear on the syllabus. Mr. X, do you have the syllabus with you?
Mr. X: yeah
Professor Evil: Mr. X, read aloud the first paragraph on page 3.
Mr. X: (reads it, it says you can't change seats)
Professor Evil: Thank you Mr. X. Now apologize to the class for wasting their time. And move one seat to my left.

Third day of class...
No more Mr. X. Thank god for add/drop.

Answers?

2006-01-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

I came to law school because I had no other options. What do you do with a useless BA? Go to law school, moron.
It sucks so much because it is pointless. Utterly pointless. I'm learning to "think like a lawyer"? What an complete load of garbage. If I have to read one more pre-1800 case so that I understand the "context" in which the current law developed, I'm going to fucking kill someone.
Because I'm an idiot.
Because lawyers have nothing else in life to hold onto except their salary and prestige. Wife and kids sure aren't gonna stick around for long when you're at the office until midnight six days a week. Not when they can get half your assets in a divorce settlement.
I should have realized sooner that this might not be the path for me. But once you drop that 60k on your first year, you're kinda stuck. Now I'm caught in the whirlpool.
Because I'm caught in the whirlpool, all I can do is whine. So listen!

Venting is bliss.

Why oh why?

2006-01-25T00:27:00.000-05:00

Did I come to law school?
Does it suck so much?
Did I not research what I was getting myself into?
Are lawyers so pretentious?
Have I accepted my fate without more of a fight?
Am I wasting everyone's time with this blog?

Answers to follow...