Sacrifice Fly

Just call me the "Teflon John". After the last hookup I once again received no reprimand. Of course, we'll find the real truth when offers are handed out (or not) next week, but I'm feelin pretty good.

So all of this summer sluttin got me to thinking. How can I turn this into a competition? The only thing better than hookin up with hot girls you work with is being able to quantify it somehow, and then rubbing it in your buddies' faces. So with this in mind, I present to you the real game of summer- Sacrifice Fly!!

Sacrifice Fly plays like baseball, both in basic rules, and that the goal is to score more than the other team. Here's how it works. Summer hookups (with any member of your firm, summer class, or support staff) will lead to "hits". Once you've accumulated enough hits to move around the diamond, you get a run. Your team can have as many "at bats" as it wants, every hookup counts. Hookups (which can be defined however you want, but I'd suggest makeouts, as it will lead to higher scores, and probably more risk taking, which is more fun for all) are scored thusly:

Single- hookup with support staff
Double- hookup with fellow summer associate
Triple- hookup with associate
Home Run- hookup with partner

Hits advance every player on base the same number of bases, and there are no extra bases (so a double will advance a player on first base to third). There are phantom runners that take the place of the players, so that if one person hits four singles in a row before anyone else gets a hit, that would count as one run. Innings will last a month each, so there will be four in total- May, June, July August. Let's take a look at a sample inning of Sacrifice Fly so that you all get how it works.

• Player #1 hits a single, Player # 2 hits a double, Player # 3 hits a double, Player #4 hits a home run, Player #5 hits a single, inning ends (midnight May 31). How many runs? (this is like an LSAT question!).

• #1 puts a player on first, #2 advances #1 to third base, and #2 to second, #3 drives home #1 and #2, and is now on second. #4 drives home himself and #3. #5 is left on base. So that's 4 runs total. You follow? If not then you don't deserve to hook up with anyone anyway you dumbass, so just quit now.

Setting up the teams can be as much fun as playing. After hyping up your friends, and having them read this entertaining and concise description, it's time to gather everyone together. Alcohol should be present, in copious quantities. First, you need to decide on team size- it should be somewhere between 5-10 people, depending on interest and skillz. Coed is acceptable, and encouraged. Captains will be chosen by drawing names out of a hat, and then once you have captains for each team they can start picking players, in order that their names were selected. Just like the elementary school playground. Captains will want to pick up players that will be able to score a lot, and are also willing to sacrifice for the team. Strategy is key here. Do you take the girls, cause it's easier for them to score, or do you stay away because you know they don't want to get that rep? Do you take the smooth guy, or the guy who you know will take some random hookup at the end of the month so he doesn't leave runners on base? Are your friends working 12 weeks, or 10? It's like picking your fantasy football team, but you get to play too! And who wants to get picked last in this game? That's worse than any playground cruelty the dodgeball kids could dole out.

Sacrifice Fly. Play on my friends, play on.