Horseplay

So bestiality became a felony in Washington this year, apparently spurred forward because of a death last year. The guy died from a "perforation of the sigmoid colon during anal intercourse with a horse." I don't know how I didn't hear of this when it happened, this is vastly more newsworthy than most of the crap that gets coverage, but you've really got to check out the article.

Here's part of an IM conversation between a friend and I discussing the new law.

M: 'Sexual contact' means any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of a person and the sex organ, mouth, or anus of any animal, or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of the person into the sex organ or anus of an animal, for the purpose of sexual gratification or arousal of the person. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual contact."
K: hahahaha
K: echh
M: hmm, it would seem to allow giving horses head
M: by the plain text of the statute
K: yeah you're right
M: this is one of those moments where you realize that law school has forever ruined you

Stop the madness!

What's the deal with giving professors gifts at the end of the semester? Who started this inane tradition? What, their 6 figure salary and lifetime appointments aren't enough? Does the silly book or gift basket that somehow relates to something that happened in the class validate them as a person? It's like we're tipping a waiter or something. Can you imagine any other profession where you get gifts for just doing your job? "Thanks for filing my taxes, here's a goofy calculator!", "Great job on the implants doc, have a jug of milk!", "Wow, my garden looks great, here's some cerveza!". Professors already get enough love from the gunners the rest of the year, no need to bring me into it as well. Profs are the source of all (well, at least most) of my discontent, chipping in a couple of bucks is kicking a man when he's down. So future 1Ls of the world unite! Stop this tradition right now, and maybe I'll get you a job in 3 years.

Blogging blahs

Sometimes running an anonymous blog sucks. You can't really talk about really personal stuff that happened to you, cause then your friends will recognize it, and word gets out. You also can't increase your traffic by telling your friends and getting that word-of-mouth action, so it can feel like you're shouting into the void sometimes. Why keep it anonymous you ask? Because this summer I'll be blogging about life as a summer associate at a biglaw firm, and I don't want to get my ass canned. So instead you're stuck commenting on the random, stupid shit that makes up the life of a law student. And often you're so tired of dealing with that in real life, you don't exactly feel like trying to make it consumable for your 35 visitors a day. So that's why there's been the dearth of posts lately, well, that and trying to finish all the reading I've skipped this semester (thank god for legalines). But I'm comin back strong this summer, no worries, the blog will return to it's sweet goodness.

On the subject of random stupid shit, what the hell is up with bowties? Anyone under the age of 65 that wears one should be shot on sight. And that goes double for pompous law students. I mean come on, the world already thinks we're big enough tools as it is.

Hang on Stevens!

Staying in the Supreme Court, here's a semi-crappy song that reflects well my wishes for the court. (No I didn't write this, and I have no idea who did).

Hang on Stevens

Show me the money!

The chief justice of the supreme court of the united states, the most powerful legal force in the country, makes $212,000 a year. Associate justices make $203,000. A fifth year associate at a biglaw firm, who probably hasn't even had his or her own case yet, but is a pro at document review? $195,000, plus bonus. How can it be that a fifth year associate makes more than a supreme court justice? That's fucked up. Here's my top 4 list for a revamped payscale:

1. Supreme Court justice. Current pay: $203-$212k a year.
   · Should make: $750k a year. You need to recruit top talent.
2. President of the United States. Current pay: $400k a year.
   · Should make: $150k a year if Democrat, $100k a year if Republican (they get more kickbacks). Politicians’ pay is tax free (or at least taxed less), and they can spin it into sooo much cash after 4 years. Plus free housing, travel, and security.
3. The New York Knicks. Team salary this year- $125 million
   · Should make: Substantially less. They’re paying Alan Houston $20 mill, and he’s not even playing, Stephon Marbury $18 mill, Jalen Rose $17 mill, and Steve Francis $15 mill. And they’re second last in the league! How is Isiah Thomas still the GM???
4. The entire service team at McDonald’s. Current pay: $5.15/hr
   · Should make: $7.50/hr. I salute you, workers of McDonald’s, for always having my fries piping hot and salty, my burgers moist and juicy, and smiles for free. You deserve the raise. I love you.

Supreme Stars, part 2

Alright you YALB addicts, I know you've been jonesin hard for part two of the series, so I put extra effort into this one, just for you. I spent countless minutes searching my extensive movie knowledge and my limited legal knowledge to come up with these matches. Enjoy, and be amazed!

John Paul Stevens....................Ian Bannen
.........
Stevens is great because he's both ancient and crazy. If you ever see a 8-1 decision, there's a 90% chance that Stevens is the lone dissenter. Poor guy is always trying to get his point across, and no one's listening, but I have a strange feeling he's going to get the last laugh. So who the fuck is Ian Bannen you ask? He played Robert the Bruce's leper father in Braveheart, another go-it-alone idealist, just trying to watch out for what's best for everyone. Unfortunately Mr. Bannen died in a car crash in 1999, but let's not dwell on petty details.


Anthony Kennedy......................Harrison Ford
..........
Kennedy comes from an Irish background, and grew up in California. I'm assuming that those things are also true of Harrison. I also heard that Kennedy got the job by getting a sacred jewel from a temple deep in the forest, guarded by guys that can tear your heart right out through your chest, but that might just be a rumor.

Antonin Scalia......................James Gandolfini
.........
Seriously, do I even need to explain this one?


David Souter.........................Jim Carrey
.....
Apart from the shocking similarities in their grins, these two are both guys who made us think they were absolute crap, before showing they had a deeper, better, kinder side. Souter was supposed to be a great Republican judge, but turned out to be pretty liberal, and Jim went from Ace Ventura to Eternal Sunshine.


Clarence Thomas.....................Ving Rhames
...........
While I almost went with Nye's suggestion of Alfonso Ribeiro, as I'd heard that Thomas had some sweet dance moves, I just didn't think Carlton had the brooding look that's required to play Thomas. I also thought it'd have to be someone that understood what it was like to be best known for illicit sexual escapades. Ving Rhames seemed to be the logical pick. He's got the look down pat, and everyone remembers that scene from Pulp Fiction. Thomas had Anita Hill, Ving had Zed and the Gimp. Sexy.


Well that's it for Supreme Stars. Next step is to call your local network affiliate, mayor, senator, whatever, and get this shit on the air. Can you imagine? Maybe dreams can come true...

Supreme Stars, part 1

In the spirit of ongoing awesomeness that this blog personifies, here's part one of a two-part series about which hollywood star would be best to play each SC justice, if some network wanted to reenact court proceedings, the way E! did with the last Michael Jackson trial. I tried to pick actors with at least a passing resemblence. I also claim all rights associated with this great idea, you saw it here first. Forgive the formatting, I'm sure it'll turn out terrible, but I can't do html for shit. (hints?)

John Roberts..................... Bill Pullman
......
Roberts needs someone strong and sexy like Bill Pullman to play him. Bill's got experience playing leader, he was the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES in Independence Day, for crying out loud. He'd do Roberts proud, and he's got the look.


Ruth Bader-Ginsburg................ Jennifer Grey
.........
Of course, it would have to be the 1980s, Ferris Bueller, Dirty Dancing, pre-nose-job Jennifer Grey. Gotta love that nose. Much like ol' RBG, she's got the spunk to stand up to the men, maybe because of their New York city roots. Oh, and they also both graduated with the highest grades in the history of Columbia Law School.


Samuel Alito..........................Chazz Palminteri
.........
I don't really know much about Scalito, other than he's skeezy, and may or may not have some mob ties (due to the fact that he's italian american of course). He's best played by another semi-unknown, therefore Chazz, who always has bit parts as a gangster. They're both ugly men who scare me, what else do you want?

Stephen Breyer...........................Chevy Chase
.......
Just look at this goofy guy, Chevy would be perfect! Breyer believes in deference to the legislature, and is somewhat leftwing, and Chevy once played a golfer in Caddyshack. Perfect match!

Stay tuned for part two, guaranteed to be even more ridiculous. Who do you think should play Thomas?

Justice Milian rules after this

So the senate has a bill pending that would require supreme court proceedings to be televised. Um, why? It’ll just confirm our belief that the justices don’t even care about the law, they just ask a few questions and then decide based on their political views. (on a side note, it’s appalling that you can usually tell in advance the voting patterns of the court just based on the politics of a case).

Plus, have you ever seen C-Span? Or been to a trial? It’s boring as fuck! What they really should do is set up a system like they had with the Michael Jackson trial. Bring in some actors, reenact what happened each day, but only the juicy bits, with some commentary on the side. Maybe have James Gandolfini as Scalia, Kevin Spacey as Roberts, Denzel as Thomas. Now that would be good television. Otherwise, leave me with my People’s Court and Judges Judy, Alex, Joe Brown, and Hatchett, and get the hell outta my TV.

Law Revue

Our school had its annual "law revue" musical this last week, once again reminding me how much I hate lawschool. (as if I had forgotten, it eats at me every waking moment). The sad attempts at modifying songs from the 80s to be about adverse possession brings into sharp relief the evil, all-encompassing nature of what we've involved ourself in. We knowingly chuckle along to jokes about Pennoyer and jurisdiction, while the guests in the audience look around in disbelief. Let's step back a moment. This is not funny. We are lame. Law school is sucking the personality right out of us.

I used to wonder why anyone would ever bring a non-law student to one of these things. Now, I think it should be mandatory before applying to law school. Every eager undergrad, before taking the LSAT, should be forced to come to one of these and look around. Kids, do you want this to be the rest of your life? I didn't think so.