You're fired!

No, I'm not fired, but it was a little close there for a while. As my last semi-coherent post made evident, I like to drink, and I can get a little crazy. Apparently I made a few somewhat sexual comments about one of the partners, nothing too horrible, but I got three visits from people on the summer committee during the past week. They actually cut me more slack than I expected, the conversations went a little something like this.

lawyer: "So how was the event"
me: "it was fun, a little crazy"
lawyer: "oh yeah? I heard it was a lot of fun, what happened?"
(that they don't know exactly what happened is an obvious lie, and we both know it, but to maintain a professional level of decorum we pretend this isn't a warning)
me: (recount story, somewhat toned down)
lawyer: "well, just remember this is a professional environment.....bla bla bla....control.....bla bla....still a job interview......bla bla bla."
me: (apologize profusely, promise it will never happen again, knowing full well it will, resigning self to inevitable fate)

So while I didn't get fired, did you hear about the summer from USC who did? This is the hot topic among the summers. He was at Paul Hastings LA, got really drunk at an event, and started saying how he was going to fuck one of the associate's wives. After they told him to leave he then said he would kill the associate. There are conflicting reports over whether the method of killing was to be by knife or by gun.

Why didn't we have this guy at my firm? I look GREAT compared to that guy.

This is how far I've sunk.

Honesty is not the best...

OK, let's be honest faithful readers. I mean real honest, just for once. I'm drunk. I'm not exaggerating, I'm drunk off my fucking ass. It's ridiculously early in the morning, I've been drinkin top shelf liquor at a firm event all night, and I can barely see this screen. So really, in this confessional mood, I need to talk about drinking at these events. I figure this is the best time.

There is a slim line. A Nicole Richie ass slim line that we must walk, when participating in this ridiculous 3 month long nonbillable interview. Fact #1- I like to get drunk. I'm talking NDC or L&A drunk. This is my current level of intoxication as I write this post. Fact #2- the firm throws many summer events with open bars. Fact #3- many partners attend these events. Said partners are the ones evaluating my summer offer. This is just some background.

So let's talk about right now. I mean right this fuckimg minute. I just left a firm event. I drank a lot. We went to a swanky ass club and spent a lot of swanky ass money. My fellow summers don't seem to know how to maintain. One just told us she'd kill us all, another just got arrested for public intoxication. I mean, come on, how are you supposed to get an offer when the firm has to bail you out of the drunk-tank? I tried to make it all cool with the partner, you know, pretend like this was a dress rehearsal for the MTV movie awards, but I don't think he bought it. Is that not a good excuse? But whatever, who cares about that. The main point is that it's a fine line. Every time I mention that one time I got her to say yes to anal, I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. Every time I embellish the story about that time we got arrested in Spain, it's like I have to scale it back to a mere imprisonment. But if I just stay quiet, and listen to the fun incidents of macrame mishaps, I die a little inside. I need to drink to live, but must live to drink. This is the circle of summer associateship, and this is why I must post my pain.

Thank you all for reading this best post ever, I promise to return to sober posting of nonsensical stories next week.

and exeunt.

Summer Gunners

For some reason I expected a gunner reprieve this summer, thinking that they would somehow disappear once they were out of the law school environment. I was wrong, as usual. Even though our firm gives out basically 100% offers every year, so there's no real competition for jobs, some people insist on going "above and beyond." While every attorney keeps emphasizing that we should be out of there by 5, that the summer is for fun and not for work, we have those few summers who refuse to play ball. While I'm out getting drunk and inappropriate at summer events they're refining their memos and volunteering for extra due diligence.

So how to deal with this problem? It kinda makes the rest of us look bad when there are a few gunners billing more than my 3 hours a day (which all get written off anyway). Obviously working the same hours is out of the question. We can't use the regular lawschool method- ostracize them mercilessly- because the attorneys want to see that we can play nice. They seem to be oblivious to group pressure anyway.

This is a problem for many of my friends this summer, as my friends are lazy, and we hate gunners. So what to do law blog reading world?? Let's figure this one out together, I submit myself to your wisdom. This is a chance where the internet can make a real difference in someone's life.

Kind of like the star wars kid.

Beauty is a curse

As was mentioned in the comments regarding my last post, it's never a good idea to hook up with another summer associate, because you're stuck together at every event, and every event involves copious amounts of liquor. When the summer you hook up with is a little crazy, on top of being an alcoholic, this leads to some difficult situations. Like her trying to rub your crotch under the table while eating dinner with a partner. Or her pleading you give her a ride home, in front of other people so you can't say no, and then insisting that you come in to her place to "talk about it". Or her refusing to leave your office until you promise that you'll go to the event that night. Or her sending work emails debating the situation to you, using her work Treo. Or her saying "it's gonna be a lot more awkward if you reject me than if you just give in."

So this is why sexual harassment is bad!

The smartest thing I will ever say

Do not hook up with someone at work. Seriously.
Sometimes crazy takes a while to show itself.

Mindless goodness

I had my first corporate assignment today. I'd been doing litigation stuff the past week, which involved doing research online and writing a couple of memos. More on that later. What I really want to talk about is how awesome corporate stuff is. This is what I did today: replaced "June 2" with "June 3" on a bunch of documents, and changed names and addresses on a bunch more documents. That's it. They paid me over 500 dollars to do this, as well as taking me out to a three hour lunch. A ten year-old can do this. The assigning attorney actually said if I didn't finish it he'd just give it to his secretary. His SECRETARY! Some people would be pissed that they'd put in two years busting their ass in law school to be stuck copy-pasting. I'm ecstatic. This is the kind of mindless work that I excel at. Go law firm!